Oh my word, there is nothing like spending several hours at an airport to see the twisted weirdness of all humanity. Here are some of my favorites–I wish I had caught them on camera. These are all real.
1. The 70ish woman dressed head to toe in tight leopard skin print fabric. Ask her age and risk decapitation. She likely would even lie to the TSA if they asked her date of birth. Her matching dog carrier twitches around and contains what looks like a doglet–a very small furry creature that probably eats better than many people. She has glasses half the size of her face and big chunky rings on several fingers. I dont know where she is going but I would suspect Palm Springs or Las Vegas.
2. Mr Rotundity- This guy was as wide as he was tall. I was grateful when he walked by our gate. He should have been charged for 2 seats because he sure the hell wasn’t going to fit into any single seat I have ever been on in a plane, unless its first class.
3. She had pink stilletos and a matching pink coat. Ms STYLE! Blonde hair (fake, I could see the roots) and when she had to take off the coat and heels to progress thru security, she revealed a little black dress that could only be described as a slip with beads. Wow.
4. The Japanese tourist: I can say this because the Japanese tour group leader was at the head of the troup. Who’d have thunk you could need 3 cameras? around one neck? at the same time? And do you really need a picture of the luggage carousel?
5. The screaming child. Does EVERY flight have to have one? Is there some screening process that makes sure that every single flight, no matter how full or empty has at least one unruly child who appears to have been pinched or punctured immediately before boarding the plane? And must they sit within 2 rows of me everytime? Not even the most powerful noise cancelling headphones will drown out the noise of this one. His mother was frazzled and she also had a toddler in tow. God help everybody else on the plane. Its gonna be a long flight no matter where they are going.
6. Giant. Him, I feel sorry for. He’s about 7 linear feet of human, being crammed into about 5 1/2 linear feet of cabin space. I have to believe that if he could afford first class, he would be there, but no, he is standing in line with the rest of us flunkies in coach. I am glad I am short enough to fit reasonably into a airplane seat.
7. Mr E-nut. He had his computer going in the gate, and had enough gear to open his own electronics store right there on the plane. He had a plam, a dvd player, his laptop, a cell phone, a game toy. The second they allowed the use of his stuff, he had it out.
8. the pack rats– ok this constitutes a lot of the people we saw. Whats up with this anyway? I am talking rolling duffles, mini suitcases, huge backpacks, shopping bags, strollers !?!, people dragging enough gear to survive for days ONTO the plane. One lady had a rolling suitcase. Sorry, but Pharmacy Chick feels that if you cannot carry it onto the plane, you have no business bringing it onto the plane. She couldn’t even lift it above her head and required assistance to get it into the overhead carrier! Come on folks.
9. Ms Haute Couture. I wish I had in my wallet what this woman was wearing on her body. This 40ish woman had Louis Vuitton (sheesh, I dont even know if I spelled it right) luggage, Tiffany Jewelry, Ralph Lauren pants, etc etc. Everything had a name, and it was expensive. I doubt the clunky ring on her left hand was anything less than $30,000 of diamond and her accompanying male ( husband’s second trophy wife?) could be accurately imagined as a balding pimp. Oh, and they were first in line at security with their Premier Mileage First Class Gold Club card. I’d bet their destination was a lot fancier than mine was.
10 Business Traveller. These suits are still doing it nicely on their corporate dime. They look the part, (before the flight wrinkes their $400 suit), and if they are in pairs, talking the big deal. Four or five of them were in the bar watching the baseball game on the plasma overhead. All ya have to do is talk a little business and write off the $8 beers at the airport.
11. The spring-breakers. I have never flown during spring break, likely never will again. Where do all these teens get the money to fly someplace warm and exotic on spring break??? Criminy, when I was in school, I had to work over spring break, waiting tables to earn a few dollars. If I had told my mother “Mom? I would like to fly to Cabo or Orlando for spring break.” she would likely drop the floor in hysterics, wipe the tears of laughter from her eyes, then say ” Seriously, you had me going for a minute–what time do you start your shift?”
12. The Family man–I wish I could get inside this man’s head. He is trundling along with his wife who is trying to keep track of 3 kids, all under the age of 10. I’d bet they were going to Disneyland or Disney world, but I’ll never know. They weren’t on my flight. If I was gifted with reading minds I’d say he was thinking ” God, what was I thinking when I booked this vacation? 6 months from now they won’t even remember we went! I should have left them with my mother and the two of us could be sitting on a Baja beach deciding whether we want our margaritas with or without salt!”
13. Lucky thirteen. Saved the best for last..if you are still reading this– Lady, if you read this, sorry for you. I watched you polish off a bag of Chips-Ahoy chocolate chip cookies, then reach into your purse and load up on 80 units of Humulin N and inject yourself right thru your pants. Thanks for tucking the syringe back into your purse and not throwing it in the garbage.
To quote from the famous Hindenburg disaster: “oh, the humanity of it all”
Back to work tomorrow and more blogworthy entries for sure!
Tags: general junk, personal life, vacation | |